


September

by TeekiJane



Series: A Year Apart [2]
Category: Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-25
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-13 16:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1233763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeekiJane/pseuds/TeekiJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone's supposed to be settling in at school. So why is Byron so riled up?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally feel like I fit in somewhere, and I still have to find something to complain about anyway.

To: je11y6ean_h  
From: byronp86  
Subject: School  
Hay-Hay-Bo-Bay,  
So, tomorrow starts your senior year. Seems really weird not to walk to SHS with you for the first day, same as we have the past three years. In your honor, today I am wearing the Grease t-shirt you gave me. Jossie already asked me if I was in the play myself and if I could sing. I told you I was going to change a little bit: I actually wasn’t embarrassed to demonstrate for her that I really can’t sing. Okay, let’s be honest: I was still embarrassed, but I did it anyway. Laugh at me all you want for that.  
Gotta run. I joined the Circle K service organization and I’m working the ticket booth at a fund raiser tonight. You’d approve: It’s for the local teen crisis center. Among other things, they work with rape victims.  
Love, By-By-Bo-By (that doesn’t work quite as well)

I wrote Hay a light-hearted email that afternoon, but in reality, I was not in a happy mood as I rushed off to work the ticket booth. It had nothing to do with the fundraiser, which was for a worthy cause, or the Circle K, which was fun and kept me busy. I was glad to keep busy. 

We were two weeks into the school year, and I already hated everything. I hated my classes. I hated my major. 

I’d applied to Duke almost a year before. I hadn’t realized how much I’d changed in a year until I tried to get into my old, seventeen-year-old-senior-in-high-school self’s head. Back then, everything had been either right or wrong. There was only one correct way of looking at things…and I was convinced that I wasn’t seeing things that one correct way. Now I knew that there are many different ways of viewing things, and most of them aren’t wrong…just different. Jeff taught me that. Suddenly, the idea of working in a closed lab under a strict set of rules didn’t appeal like it had back when I was trying so hard to be the perfect son, student and friend instead of just being Byron Pike. 

The only thing I didn’t hate was my social life. I’d muddled through high school on the edge of everything, clinging to my one (really good) friend, but not really experiencing a social circle outside of that. I’d gotten so lucky the first day I’d moved into the dorm—the girl across the hall, Alizah, had brought cookies. Her mom was one of those women who spends her extra time baking. She had sent Alizah off to the dorm with containers upon containers full of baked goods. I guess she figured it was the easiest way to make sure Alizah made friends. 

Anyway, Dad had just left and my instinct was to feel lonely and panic. Before I could cry or do something equally embarrassing, Alizah stepped into the hall between our doors and shouted. “Hey all y’all,” she called. “I’m opening another container. This one has…oatmeal raisin cookies! Come help yourself!” 

A couple kids swarmed as soon as she started talking. Apparently, she’d been doing this on and off all day. I waited until the other kids were gone and then cautiously stepped over to the door. She held out the container and I took one. I looked at it instead of her. “Hi, I’m Byron,” I said quietly. “I live across the hall.” 

“Nice to meet you, Byron,” she said with what I would soon learn was a thick Carolina accent. “I’m Alizah—with two As and an H.” She pointed to the name tag on her door. She watched me as I inspected the cookie. “It’s okay,” she said jokingly. “Y’all can eat it. The other kids have been eating my mama’s cooking all day long, and none of them have died yet.” 

I had to smile at that, still looking at the baked good. I took a big bite of the cookie and smiled tentatively directly at her; it really was good. “Your mom’s a good baker,” I commented. 

“Believe me, I know.” Alizah eyed me critically. “Where y’all from?” 

“Connecticut.” 

She grinned. “Wow. You’re a long way from home. Me and Jossie—that’s my bunkie and best friend—we come from right down the street, really. Y’all need anything, let us know.” I smiled back at her as I went back to my room. “Welcome to Dixie, now, Byron.” 

Even though Alizah and Hay had nothing in common, I felt the same kind of connection I had with Haley when we’d first started hanging out together. Alizah was tall and lanky with thick auburn hair and bangs that hung down the sides of her face. I would soon learn that she was incredibly laid back and easygoing. She was always a good one to take your problems to because she never overreacted or freaked out—that was Jossie’s job. 

Jossie was everything Alizah wasn’t. She was a petite snub-nosed brunette, always in motion. Unlike most southerners, she talked ridiculously fast and I think her brain worked even faster. She _did_ remind me of Hay in a couple of ways—for starters, she was loud and unbelievably chatty. She got worked up over every single little thing, and you could hear her in my dorm room from hers—with both of our doors closed. For some reason, Jossie was an especially big fan of mine. She followed me around everywhere and kept making me say things. She just loved my “New England accent.” 

Jossie got off on wild ideas, but unlike Hay, who could talk about some crazy idea for hours but had the sense never to follow through on it, we had to restrain Jossie from actually doing some of the nutty things she thought up. She’d come stand in my doorway while Julio and I were studying and say something like, “Hey guys, let’s go to La Bamba’s at two thirty this morning. We can pretend we’re drunk and order one of those mega-burritos that no one ever really eats.” 

Despite Jossie’s wealth of ideas, Alizah was really the leader of the two. She had a quieter way of suggesting stuff that made you listen. She’s the one who came up with the idea of joining the Circle K. The three of us had gone to the activities fair together, looking at all the different clubs and groups you could join. Alizah and I liked Circle K because it was volunteer work and made us look (and feel) like do-gooders. That’s not how she’d convinced Jossie to join, however. “It’ll be a great way to meet boys,” she’d said. 

And it had worked. Sorta. Most of the members were actually girls, which didn’t bother me any. Alizah did fall madly in love with the only other freshman guy in the club, Paul. At least, I think that’s what happened. I’m not too aware of what girls flirting looks like, but I think that was what she was doing. She spent a lot of time giggling while talking to him and gently touching his arm. 

(This is also what gave me the idea that maybe, just maybe, Jossie had a little crush on me. I hadn’t told the girls I was gay yet—I was waiting to find an opening to nonchalantly slip it into the conversation—so it was possible she liked me that way. But since she hadn’t come out and said she _like_ liked me, or touched me beyond a Hay-style smack to the arm, I hadn’t had to address it. I was hoping that telling her about Jeff would be enough to convince her that I was not crush material.) 

Paul, for his part, became the fourth member of our group of friends—not so much because of Alizah, although he did enjoy flirting back with her—but because of me. Apparently, he hadn’t met too many guys on campus yet, and I seemed to be exactly what he was looking for, for whatever reason. We both liked sports but not as much as your average guy seems to. We weren’t into the fraternity scene, and although we both did well at school, neither one of us was into really geeky stuff—the kinds of things Nick liked. We both had mostly hung out with girls through our teen years, although Paul was definitely straight. And had several tales about his escapades with girls that, had I had any doubt about my sexuality, would have definitely confirmed for me that I did not want a woman in any way. 

Paul and I were supposed to be manning that ticket booth on Labor Day, but at the last minute, he got his position swapped out with a senior girl named Anna that I had never met. He ran the refreshment table instead. Anna and I sat down to take money and we were steadily busy for well over an hour before we had any down time. She smiled at me when the line died out. “You’re a freshman, right?” she asked. 

“Yup.” 

“How are things treating you so far?” 

I didn’t really want to be honest about things and talk about my concerns with a stranger. But I didn’t see any point in lying. Maybe she was the perfect objective listener—someone who didn’t know me at all, but knew the school. “Well, I love the school and the people.” Anna turned her head to the side. She knew the opening of a gripe session when she heard one. “But I’m not so sure about anything else. I already hate my classes. I’m an engineering major, and I thought I would like it. But…” 

“But,” she picked up my thread, “you don’t.” I shook my head. “Well,” she said slowly, thinking about that, “You have a couple of options. Sometimes, majors get better after you’ve finished all the stupid, boring intro classes. I’m a business major, and my freshman year, I was sooooo bored. But I love it now.” I nodded seriously. “But if the problem isn’t about the classes being boring because you already know what you’re learning, then maybe you need to switch majors.” 

“I’ve thought about that,” I said. “I wanted to be in this particular major because you work in a lab and everything’s structured and organized. I used to love that. Now, I’m realizing that I can live outside the confines of a world where everything is completely black and white.” I sighed. “I just think I would get very bored with an engineering job really quickly.” 

Anna smiled again. “Have you talked to career services? They helped my freshman year roomie pick out a major. They’re really good to talk to and very helpful. You should try heading in there one day when you’ve got a couple hours.” Some more people came up to buy tickets and we quickly served them. “Think it over, Byron. And the Circle K—it’s like a family. You can come talk to just about any of us any time.” 

Paul had plans with his roommate after the fundraiser, so I walked home by myself. I wanted to talk to someone else about what Anna had said—someone who knew me better. My first instinct was to call Jeff or Hay. But it was Labor Day, and Jeff was at a barbecue with his family. Hay was at work. Even if they had been free, I didn’t really want to talk to either one of them about _this_ , not because I don’t value their opinions, but because, in one form or another, they’d both pretty well predicted this. Jeff had said he’d always pictured me working with people. And when I’d first told Haley about my major, she’d laughed and said, “No, really. What are you really studying?” before basically saying the same thing Jeff had. I didn’t think Jeff would come out and say ‘I told you so,’ but it wasn’t something you could put past Hay. 

I almost called Adam, but despite his insistence that I stay in close touch, he hadn’t replied to any of the emails I’d sent him, other than to drop a quick line to say he was pledging a fraternity. Jordan and I had talked on IM the day before and he’d mentioned he was spending the day at the beach. I didn’t want to talk to Mom and Dad until I’d made some decisions about things. So I figured it was just going to have to wait. 

The whole dorm floor was virtually deserted. Pretty much anyone who lived nearby had gone home for the weekend; anyone else who could bummed a ride to the beach. As I approached my door, I could hear music playing softly. I thought Julio might be around—he’d pledged a fraternity and had plans at their house for the day, but I hadn’t known when to expect him home. But my door was shut and the music was coming from elsewhere. Alizah was alone in her room, lying on the couch she’d stolen from her older sister, watching a video on her laptop. I stood in her doorway. “You’re back early,” I commented. 

“My fam was being psycho,” she said cryptically. “I had to get the hells out of there.” 

“Well, I’m actually glad you’re here,” I said, brushing at a spot on my shorts. “I needed someone to talk to.” 

Alizah paused the video and sat up, patting the seat next to her. “You found someone. C’mon in here and tell me what’s on your mind.” 

“It’s about school. My classes and my major and stuff.” She watched me seriously, beckoning for me to go on. “I hate them.” 

Alizah cracked a brief smile. “You Yankees sure don’t beat around the bush,” she said, but then she sobered back up. “I wondered about that a bit. When y’all first got here, you were, like, ‘Rawr! Engineers! We run the world!’ And I haven’t heard y’all talk about it since classes started. It’s as if something took the wind out of y’all’s sails.” 

I looked at her blankly for a moment, barely holding back my sarcasm. “‘Rawr?’ Really?” She shrugged, hiding a slight grin, and I turned the sarcasm off. “I don’t know where to go from here. Anna from Circle K said that sometimes classes get better after the first year. But I somehow don’t think that’s going to happen for me.” 

Alizah leaned back against the arm of the couch and put her toes on my bare leg, wiggling them around. I hadn’t realized how ticklish my lower thighs were until just that moment. I had to resist the urge to jerk back from her. “Well, Byron, if you’re not an engineer, then what are you?” 

I thought about that for a moment. I knew myself so much better than I had a year before, but that meant that all the ideas I’d had about who I was going to be had changed too. “I really don’t know right at this moment. My best friend and my boyfriend both think that I should work with people. But that doesn’t really narrow things down, does it? Even some engineers work with people.” 

Alizah’s expression didn’t change, but she did quit wiggling her toes. I breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, sometimes your friends know you better than you ever could know yourself. Jossie’s the one who suggested I should join the school paper in high school, and I loved it so much that I’m now a journalism major.” She pulled her feet off me entirely, tucking her knees up under her chin. “I think your friends are right. And I’m going to pile on top of that now. Y’all told me that you wanted to save the world when we joined Circle K. Remember, because Jossie told you that you were her superhero?” I rolled my eyes at the memory. Actually, Jossie had shouted, ‘Save me, Byron, you’re my only hope!’ in the middle of the quad in front of probably a couple thousand people. “There are jobs out there where you’re saving the world, a small chunk of it at a time. Peace Corp, environmental jobs, social services…there are a lot of ways you can be someone’s superhero.” 

I’d mostly been joking when I said that bit about saving the world, but Alizah did touch a nerve—mostly in a good way. I’d picked biomedical engineering above all the other types because it was for a worthy cause—curing cancer, preventing genetic abnormalities, basically making people better in future generations. I liked feeling as if I were making a positive difference in the world, no matter how tiny. I definitely wanted to find a job that, on some level, made the world a better place. I nodded at her and she grinned happily. “Anna suggested that I see someone down in career services to help me find the right major for me,” I told her. 

Alizah stretched back out across the couch, the way she’d been lying before I’d come in the room, narrowly missing my crotch with her heel as she did so. “Good to know the upperclassmen are good for _something_ ,” she said lazily. I picked her feet off of my lap one at a time, plopping them down on the couch next to me. She laughed. “Now that you’ve got your next move planned, let me ask you something.” I turned and gave her my best faux-serious, ‘I’m-listening’ face. “What’s this about you having a boyfriend?” 

*** 

Luckily, Alizah was pretty cool with my subtly-dropped bombshell. I brought over the picture of Jeff and me to show her and told her a little bit of our backstory: how we’d been childhood friends who happened to meet again years later and be attracted to each other. Other than her saying, “I’ve never met a real, out-of-the-closet gay guy before,” which made me blush, I could have been showing her a picture of me with a girl. I decided that not making a big deal out of it was definitely the way to go. I wasn’t a celebrity—I didn’t need to make my sexuality headline news or anything. 

I barely paid attention in my Tuesday morning class; I copied down the notes and followed the lecture, but I didn’t have the slightest clue what any of it meant when I left the lecture hall. There were four hours until my next class and I was all caught up on homework and reading, so instead of heading back to the dorms (and getting sucked into watching _All My Children_ with Jossie, which seemed to happen more often than not) I wandered over to career services. I don’t know why, but I was nervous when I walked in. “Um, hi,” I said to the student worker behind the counter. “Do I need to have an appointment if I want to talk to someone?” 

“Honey,” she replied, “If you had an appointment, I’d be shocked. What can we do for you today?” 

“I’m not happy with my major, but I don’t know what I _should_ be studying.” 

I don’t even remember all the tests they gave me that day. Some of them were aptitude tests like the ones we’d taken back in high school; others were personality tests or skills tests to figure out who I was and what I already knew. When I left a couple hours later, I had the results to a personality test in my hands and nothing else. They were going to drop my results in my mailbox tomorrow sometime during the day. I was on edge all through my afternoon calculus class—I spent more time looking at the results of my personality test than the questions on the board. 

I went to the Circle K meeting that evening with a whole different perception of myself. I’d always seen things and myself one way, but this test was telling me something else altogether. It seemed to suggest that rather than the logical, rational person I wanted to be, I was more of a feeling, intuitive person. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized it was completely accurate. 

Jossie came over to me as the meeting ended. “I missed you today,” she said, leaning on the desk where I was still sitting, “ _All My Children_ just isn’t the same without you.” 

I smiled faintly at her. “You can catch me up on Thursday,” I told her, not really paying attention. I was staring at that paper again. 

Jossie snatched it away from me. “What’s this?” she asked, squinting at it but not really reading it. “Is it a love letter? Hey, Alizah, Byron’s got himself a love letter!” 

“Does he, now,” Alizah said blandly, used to this sort of thing from her best friend. I rolled my eyes at both of them as Paul came over to join us, draping himself over Alizah’s shoulder. 

“Paulie Boy, your friend has a love letter,” Jossie repeated. She held it out and he took the proffered paper, skimming it over. “What kind of words of luuuuuuuuuuv has someone written our young Byron here?” She drew the word out, fluttering her eyelashes at me as she did so. 

“If this is a love letter, it’s a pretty lousy one,” Paul drawled. He’s from rural Tennessee and his accent is even thicker than Alizah and Jossie’s, and subtly different. I hadn’t even been in the South for a month and I was already beginning to pick out where people were from based upon how they pronounced certain words. “Byron,” he said, turning to me with a grin, “You gotta get yourself a new lover if this is what kind of correspondence you’re getting.” 

I grabbed the paper back and folded it up. “My love life is just fine, thanks,” I commented. Paul raised his eyebrows at Jossie, who turned to me, ready to ask for more details. I cut her off. “This is the results of my personality test,” I explained as I stuffed the paper in my back pocket. 

“Oh come on, Byron,” Jossie said, successfully distracted from my earlier comment, “You really need to take a test to know who you are?” 

“Apparently so.” 

Alizah invited Paul out for a smoothie with her in the student center and he accepted, so when we left the meeting, they headed one way and Jossie and I headed the other. “I can’t believe it,” she said, “but I’m actually going to pay money to do laundry tonight. I forgot to bring my sheets home with me this weekend and they definitely need a launder. I only got half a load, though. Wanna throw some stuff in to make it a full one?” 

I thought about that. I wasn’t going to get Jossie to wash my boxers or anything, but I couldn’t pass up the offer to let someone do some of my laundry for me. “If you’ll throw my sheets in with yours, I’ll pay for the dryer.” 

“Deal. My laundry basket is on my desk. Just toss them in; I’m going to take a shower before I head downstairs to the washer. If I leave my door open, will you watch my room for me?” 

My door was open when I went in. Julio was at his desk, typing away furiously at his keyboard. I couldn’t tell if he was writing a paper or instant messaging his girlfriend, Elena. He looked up as I dropped my school bag on my own desk. “Well, look who’s home. It’s Mr. Popularity.” I raised my eyebrow at him. “You had two phone calls while you were out this evening.” 

I started stripping the bedding off my bunk. “Oh, really?” I replied. _Two_ phone calls? I hadn’t had two people call me the same day that I could ever remember, going back years now. Only three people had called me the entire time I’d been at school: Mom once, to ask me a question and to check up on me; Hay once, because, in her own words, “Jordan wasn’t home;” and Jeff, who was calling on a regular basis. Jeff never called on Tuesdays, though, because he knew I had Circle K and that I sometimes went out for smoothies or burritos afterward. 

“Yes, really. First was someone named Claire?” Julio phrased that as a question. “She said to let you know that she’s saving all her birthday money and some of her allowance, so make sure we have room for her when she comes to visit us.” I gathered my sheets in a ball and stood in the doorway. “Who is this Claire and should I be worried that she’s coming here?” 

I tossed the sheets; they landed precariously on the top of Jossie’s laundry basket across the hall. “She’s my baby sister. She just turned thirteen. I promised her she could come for the weekend if she could afford a plane ticket, but I wouldn’t worry one lick about her actually making it here. She’s not exactly financially responsible; she’s overdrawn on her allowance 99 percent of the time.” He chuckled. “Who was the second caller?” 

He turned around from his computer; that’s how I knew he was writing for school rather than for pleasure. “A girl calling herself Hay. You have a friend that is named after a greeting or dried grasses?” 

It was my turn to laugh. “Sorta. When we first became friends, she noticed that if you shorten Haley and Byron, you get Hay and By. She thought it would be funny for me to get her attention by saying ‘Hey, Hay,’ and for her to say goodnight by saying, ‘Bye, By.’ The nicknames stuck. Only she and Jeff and I use them, though.” 

“Ahh,” he said, “That explains why she said, ‘Is By there?’” I shrugged at him. Hay’s sometimes hard to explain. “In any case, she said she would call back sometime after nine and try to catch you then.” 

“Great.” I dug around in my pocket and pulled out a dollar bill, which I ran across the hall. I stuffed my sheets down into the basket with Jossie’s. Mine were plain white jersey; hers were white satin covered in red hearts. I smiled a little bit; that was _so_ Jossie that I wasn’t even surprised by it. I tucked the dollar bill under the basket so it was sticking out a little bit but mostly hidden from view and went back to work on my calculus homework. 

I was beyond thrilled when the phone rang that evening. First because it meant I could put my calculus aside, and second because I knew who was calling. Julio didn’t even make a move for the phone, even though most of the calls were for him. “Hello.” 

“By!” Haley exclaimed by way of greeting. I grinned. Even if I felt a little downgraded in that she only called me on days when she couldn’t reach my brother, it went away when she was actually talking to me. “It is so good to hear your voice. Do you have a Southern accent yet?” 

“No way,” I replied as I took the phone out in the hallway. Jossie’s door was still wide open, and I could see she’d taken the laundry downstairs. Alizah hadn’t made it home yet, so I went ahead with my next comment. “If I ever say, ‘y’all,’ you have my permission to shoot me.” 

“Duly noted. I just need to figure out where to get a gun, now.” I shook my head. “I didn’t call to discuss me plugging you with bullets, though.” 

“No. You called because Jordan’s busy for the evening.” 

There was a slightly frosty pause. I’d meant that as a joke, but she took it seriously. “Actually,” she said after a moment, “I didn’t even try calling Jordan tonight. I called because I was worried about you.” 

“Me?” I squeaked. “Why are you worrying about me?” 

“Oh, stop the bullshit,” Hay said, no longer sounding irritated, but instead slightly concerned. “I read that email you sent me yesterday. How long have we been best friends? Three years? I know you like I know myself, By. Maybe even better. The more cheerful you sound in email, the less happy you are in reality. You turn on the fake to hide your feelings, but I can read you as easily as if you were a book. I don’t know why you bother trying to hide things from me.” 

I sagged a little bit, because everything she’d said had been completely true. I sighed deeply, thinking about what to say next. She waited me out, because she knows that I can’t be forced into stuff. “I’m having trouble with my classes.” 

The pause turned incredulous. “You can’t be flunking already,” she observed. 

“No,” I said slowly, “but I’m flunking in the major department. I’ve already figured out this isn’t the right major for me.” 

For someone who loves to talk my ear off, she was mighty quiet that evening. “Really,” was all she said. I waited her out this time. “I don’t know what to say to that,” she added when she realized what I was doing. 

“‘I told you so?’” I suggested. She didn’t respond right away, but I could hear her grin over the phone. She wasn’t going to say it, but it was definitely implied. “Look, Hay, I don’t know why I didn’t just listen to you and Jeff to begin with. You both said that engineering wasn’t where you pictured me. I’m not a cyborg, I guess,” I finished, remembering her early comment that ‘biomedical engineering’ sounded like a job for robots. 

Her voice was surprisingly quiet as she spoke back up. “No, you’re not a cyborg. For the longest time, I think you were trying to be one, so that you wouldn’t have to deal with your emotions and feelings. Robots have it easier than people do, I think.” Haley sighed. “What are you going to do now? Once you figure out something’s wrong, your next step is always to overthink a plan.” 

I chuckled at that. “I went to career services today to see what they recommend as a better fit for my personality. I’m hoping they’ll suggest something that makes me want to stand up and scream, ‘Yes, this is who I am!’” 

“If that happens,” Hay said, sounding more like her usual self, “get someone to tape-record it, okay?” I shook my head at her again. “But what if they don’t find something you love?” 

I’d thought about that, too, of course. “I’ll take their suggestions and do some searching for similar careers. There’s got to be a place out there for me.” 

“I’m certain there is. Keep me updated, okay?” 

“Of course!” I shifted slightly. “So how was your first day back at school?” 

She groaned. “Another year at Shithole High School,” she said mournfully. “There is one upside this year, though. Becca and I have lunch together, so I’m not eating alone like I did last year. And Matt’s already said he’ll go to the football game with me on Friday. Oh, and I forgot to tell you: I decided to join glee club.” 

She was off and running. Despite her insistence that school sucked so badly this year that she was tempted to drop out, after only one day, she had twenty minutes worth of stories to tell me. When she let me go reluctantly, it was because she already had homework and needed to get busy on it. I smiled as she hung up. No matter how pathetic Haley had made herself sound, she was doing okay back home. And no matter how unhappy I was with my classes, I wasn’t doing too badly myself. 

I just hoped that career services was going to be helpful. 

*** 

For the first (and probably last) time in my life, I skipped a class that Wednesday. 

I’d attended my first two classes of the day and had headed back to the dorm to have a sandwich and finish my calculus assignment before my final class. I stopped at the mailboxes and peeked into the one for my room. A manila envelope with my name on it sat inside. I snatched it up and hurried back to my room, my homework (and lunch) forgotten. 

The pages were infuriatingly organized. At the top of stack were, each on an individual sheet of paper, the results of my tests. I skimmed them, turning the pages quickly. Most of them were just reinforcing what the first test had already told me. Finally, at the back of the pile were several pages of suggestions and recommendations. 

I found one sheet that was basically exactly what I was looking for: the school’s top five recommendations for careers that would suit me. The first three were all therapist or counseling jobs, of different varieties. Physical therapy would mean actually getting a medical degree. School guidance counselor? That didn’t sound too terrible. Substance abuse counselor? I didn’t feel like I was really the right one to do that, since I’d never even _seen_ an illegal drug. The fourth career was teaching. I smiled when I saw that one. I could briefly imagine Jeff and me teaching in classrooms across the hall from each other, but I didn’t actually want to have thirty small faces all staring at me at the same time. That was why the guidance counselor was sort of appealing. 

But as soon as I saw the final recommendation on the sheet, I stopped thinking about counseling. I stared at that suggestion for a full minute. No bells started magically ringing or anything like that, but I still knew I’d found exactly what I was looking for. 

I didn’t have the urge to shout to the heavens like I’d told Hay I’d want to do. Instead, I hopped on my computer and started typing. Within minutes, I was looking at Duke’s website. Just as I suspected, this wasn’t something you could study here. I was briefly pained by that. I’d finally found a place where I fit in socially. Did I really want to leave to follow another major that could turn out just to be another pipe dream? 

As much as I didn’t want to think about leaving Alizah and Paul and even Jossie, I knew that if I wanted to explore the possibility of this career that made me feel happy for the first time in weeks, I would have to do just that. I found the listing of the top schools in the nation for my hopeful-future major. I spent the afternoon reading reviews of every school on the list, comparing information and looking at everything I could get my hands on. 

Three hours and one missed class later, my stomach was grumbling. I’d never eaten that sandwich. I took a brief break and put some ham and cheese on bread, quickly stuffing it into my mouth. There was one school that I just kept coming back to. It was one I’d heard of before and it had a great reputation…and an interesting history. I loved the look of the program…and the location. I found myself comparing all the other schools to this one. 

That’s how I knew it was my number one choice. 

There was only one trouble. It was about as far away from home as you could get without going to Hawaii. 

Mallory, as the oldest, had set the trend for college. She was only a couple hours from home, just outside of New York. It seemed that each sibling who made the decision on where to go went just a little farther from home. Adam had picked out his school in Ohio next, and then I’d selected Duke and Jordan had picked Florida. Despite how far away from home Jordan was, he was still pretty well a straight shot down the coast. 

My dream school was on the coast, too: the opposite coast. 

Despite any nerves I had about that, I decided that sometimes, you just have to follow your dreams. I spent the rest of the afternoon filling out the application to be accepted as a transfer student in the fall.


	2. Crushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why, of all the people at Duke, do I have to have to get the attention of the most clueless girl in the universe?

Superjeff15: u sound like ur feeling alot better these days  
Byronp86: Amazing what making up my mind does for my sanity.  
Superjeff15: so ur definitely changing schools? whats ur 1st choice?  
Byronp86: I can’t tell you because that might jinx it!  
Superjeff15: who knew u were superstitious?  
Byronp86: Hell, even *I* didn’t know that. They say college is for learning about yourself, right?

Somewhere around the middle of September, Julio’s girlfriend broke up with him. 

I don’t know exactly when it happened. At first I realized he was spending more time in the dorm. Instead of going to every event his fraternity was throwing, he only went to the mandatory ones. I’d thought he was just dissatisfied with the frat lifestyle until I realized that all the pictures of Elena had quietly disappeared from our dorm. 

Having brothers who are quote-unquote typical guys turned out to be to my benefit in this situation. One of the few things they’d taught me about dealing with other guys is that you don’t ask them what’s bothering them or to discuss their feelings. If they want to tell you stuff or ask for your advice, they’ll bring it up themselves. So I had absolutely no idea what happened between Julio and Elena, because he never mentioned it and I didn’t bring it up. 

I’d mentioned to Jeff that college was a time for learning about yourself. It was also a time for learning about the rest of the world. I felt like I had a sharper learning curve when it came to understanding other people than my friends did. Don’t get me wrong; I’d long ago learned how to read people. I’d also discovered that being quiet and listening was a lot more informative than talking all the time. And the information I’d learned that way had definitely been useful. But no matter how good I was at settling disagreements or setting people straight at home, I didn’t feel like I got how people related to each other in general. Actually, let’s get straight to the point: I was completely clueless about flirting or mating rituals or whatever you wanted to call it. I didn’t know what it looked like when someone liked someone else. 

I’d spent those crucial years when you were supposed to learn these things hanging out with Hay, and the two of us both sorta differed from the norm. Hay was, with no offense intended to her, not your typical model of a girl. She was as likely to punch you as kiss you, as Jordan can definitely attest. She didn’t purposely play the kind of games that most girls seem to play (although she’d kinda accidentally stumbled into them for a while there anyway. Maybe she was more normal than I thought.) Hay was more likely to be blunt about how she felt than be coy and giggly to show a guy she liked him. She and Jordan seemed to have skipped all the flirting and had gone straight from, “I like you,” to making out on a motel bed. 

And me? I was repressed because it’s hard to express yourself when you haven’t even come out, so I’d had less than six months to do my learning. I’d been oblivious to all the hints Jeff had tried to drop to me—ones my brothers and Hay had seen. I’d come a long way in that time, but everyone already assumed I’d learned certain things that I don’t think I ever picked up. I couldn’t say if I’ve ever flirted with anyone, because I really just didn’t know. I guess I needed to ask Jeff about that. 

But I was learning this type of thing fast, and not the way I was hoping I would. It all started on a Tuesday shortly after I realized that Elena was out of the picture. I was studying and eating ramen noodles in my dorm room, my door and window wide open. A nice breeze was blowing and it was beautiful outside. I hadn’t even heard anyone come into my room until someone sat down on the futon next to me. “Byrooooooon!” Jossie sang, “It’s almost time for your favorite soap and mine!” 

I closed my chemistry book, knowing I wasn’t going to get much else done with Jossie in the room. I looked at the clock. “It doesn’t start for fifteen more minutes,” I pointed out. I couldn’t say I actually enjoyed _All My Children_ or anything, but I did have to admit there were a few times that I actually found myself wondering what was happening to the characters when I wasn’t watching it. Damn soap opera. 

“Can’t I just come in to enjoy the pleasure of your company before the show starts?” 

I grimaced for a moment. It’s not that I didn’t like Jossie so much as she seemed to not have a very good sense of boundaries. If your door was open, it wasn’t because the dorm wasn’t air conditioned and got extremely hot sometimes; it was because you were inviting her in. It wouldn’t have bothered me even a fraction as much if she’d come in at 12:55 instead of 12:45. “Well, if you want to watch it in here,” I told her, “You’ll need to turn the television on now. I swear Julio found this TV in the dumpster or something, because it takes ten minutes just for the sound to come on.” 

She flipped on the set and found the right channel. We had a whole futon to stretch out across, and she sat right next to me. I’d folded my right leg up under my left and she planted her right thigh right against my foot. I involuntarily jerked my foot back and Jossie looked at me, shocked. I’d spilled a little bit of my ramen broth onto the futon as I’d pulled away from her. “Sorry,” I said as I rubbed the dish towel I was using as a bib on the spot on the futon. “My feet are just really ticklish.” 

“Really?” Jossie stopped looking hurt and turned a little devilish. “I’ll have to file that away for later use.” 

I sighed but she didn’t seem to notice. “Make sure I’m not holding hot soup that time, okay?” 

Jossie scooted back from me until I finished my noodles. By that point, the news was almost over and the sound had come up. I hurriedly ran to rinse my bowl up in the restroom, but not because I was desperate not to miss the beginning of the episode. I didn’t want to leave Jossie alone in my room for longer than necessary. I didn’t entirely put it past her not to rummage around in my drawers or something. 

When I came back, however, she didn’t appear to have moved a muscle. The show had started and she had eyes for a nothing but the characters on screen. I walked across her vision and sat down as far away from her as possible, planting my feet firmly on the floor. I hadn’t lied when I’d told Joss that my feet were ticklish, and there was a distinct possibility that she would try to tickle me. That wasn’t the real reason why I’d pulled back from her when she’d sat down, though. 

For pretty much the entire time I’d known her, Jossie and I had been dancing around each other. I’d been trying to find the right time to tell her I was gay. She’d been trying to find a way to tell me something, too. I wasn’t certain I knew exactly what her message was, but as time went on, I was getting clearer and clearer hints. And these hints were throwing me into a panic. I was fairly certain that Jossie was attracted to me. 

Part of me just wanted to scream, “Jossie! Back off, because I have a boyfriend.” But that just didn’t seem…well, nice. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but the longer I waited, the more I thought it was going to hurt. 

Watching a soap opera with Jossie is like watching a movie with my brother Adam: don’t talk if you want to survive. I didn’t pay nearly as much attention as I usually do to the exploits of the characters, because I was thinking. How could I give Jossie the hint without having to come straight out and tell her? I generally try to avoid confrontation. You really have to push me to the limits before I lash out, and by that point…well, it’s not pretty. 

I was so busy writing a list in my head that I didn’t even notice what was going on right in front of me on the futon. I’d started off at 1pm sitting on the far right part of the futon, and I never moved from that spot. Jossie was sitting on what would be the middle of the left cushion, if futons had cushions. Half an hour later, she was slightly to the right of center. And by the time the episode was over, she was sitting almost on my lap. _That_ is when I noticed what she was doing. 

I found the remote down in the bag Julio stuck on the side of the futon and flipped the set off. Jossie leaned over against me and put her head against my arm. “Oo-ooh!” she said. “What will Kendall do now?” 

I shook my head at the question and at the shiver that went through me. How many times had Hay and I sat just like this, except that I usually put my arm around her? This was different, though. Hay was, in some ways, like my sister. I always knew what her intentions were when she snuggled up with me—to get a hug, to try to get something out of me, even to warm up. But Jossie was more of an unknown entity. I was pretty sure I knew what her intentions were and I didn’t think she’d be satisfied with one hug. And I wasn’t really prepared for—or capable of—giving her more. 

I wanted to find some excuse to get up and leave, but I found I was frozen into a giant Byron-icicle. I couldn’t even come up with a decent sentence to say to her. Instead, I sat there silently as she babbled on and on about the soap opera characters, going all the way back to 1999, when she’d started watching the show. Resting her cheek on my arm the whole time. 

This was when I realized that Jossie was even more clueless about people than I was. 

We were still sitting like that when Alizah came back from class and found us. “Well, isn’t this cozy,” she said with raised eyebrows. 

I gave her a wide-eyed ‘help me’ stare but Jossie took it another way. She grinned at Alizah and winked. “You missed a doozy of an episode today, Lize,” she said. 

“Did I?” Alizah asked, still looking more at me than at Joss. 

I squirmed but actually managed to form a coherent thought. “I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back.” Jossie backed off a bit and I squeezed off the couch and past Alizah. I went into the men’s room but didn’t go into a stall. Instead, I pushed up against the wall and breathed a deep sigh. No one was in the bathroom proper, although I could hear someone showering. I knew I couldn’t head back too fast or the girls would know I’d made up an excuse. I was pretty sure Alizah already knew anyway. 

Sure enough, she was waiting for me outside the men’s room when I exited. “You haven’t told her yet,” she said dully, stating the obvious. 

I ran my hands through my hair in an old nervous twitch and found they were shaking. “I was hoping to find a way to subtly bring it up with her, the way I did with you.” 

She paused for a moment, thinking that over, and nodded. “I can understand why. But y’all gotta know by now: subtle doesn’t always work on Joss. And by ‘doesn’t always work,’ I mean ‘almost never works.’ Sometimes, she needs to be hit upside the head with a clue-by-four.” 

I gave her the ‘you’re nutty’ look that I usually reserved for Haley. “Clue-by-four?” 

“You know. A big old wallop to the head with the obvious facts someone isn’t seeing. There may come a time where you have to grab her by the shoulders, shake her and shout, ‘Jossie, I’m gay!’ in her face.” 

I realized that sometimes I needed a clue-by-four myself. Jeff had had to give me one so that I could see how he felt about me. I grimaced. “I don’t like confrontation,” I observed, looking at my shoes for a moment. 

Alizah laughed. “Who does? But if the subtleties of your hints aren’t getting to her, you have two choices: either confront her or spend the rest of the school year being her ‘special friend.’ And I really don’t think y’all’s boyfriend would like the latter.” 

She put her arm around my shoulder, and because I knew where the boundaries were with Alizah, I was comforted by this. I gave her a brief hug. “What would I do without you?” I asked her. 

She smiled magnanimously. “Probably run home crying to your mama,” she said as we started back to our dorms. 

I wrinkled my nose up at her even though I knew she was kidding. “Be a long run.” 

Jossie headed off to class a short time later, leaving me alone in my room. Alizah was listening to country music across the hall. I was tempted to shut the door despite the potential to roast in my room. Instead, I turned on my own music at a low volume—loud enough that I could hear it, but not so loud it disturbed her sounds. 

I started in on my list. 

I moved the framed picture of me and Jeff to a more prominent place in the room, so you could see it from a bunch of different angles. I pulled out a whole bunch of other pictures of us and taped them all over one wall, the way pictures of Julio and Elena had once been displayed. I figured that if I got desperate, I’d pull out the t-shirt Haley had bought me in Maine—which I had brought with in case there was ever a gay pride event or some other appropriate time and place to actually wear it. It was the one that had rainbow print and said, ‘I went to Ogunquit and all I did was come out.’ I didn’t necessarily need to wear it to make my point—I thought maybe I could find a way to hang it on the wall as a kind of joke. 

I was still redecorating when Julio came home. “Whoa, _primo_ ,” he said as he looked around. In Julio’s neighborhood back in Sarasota, calling each other cousin was a compliment. Anyone Julio liked he called _primo_ or _prima_. “Feeling a little homesick? Missing the boy?” 

“Sorta,” I replied as I gathered my calculus books and my calculator up. When Julio came home from class, I had about five minutes before I had to leave. “I do miss him, all the time. But it’s more than that, though. I’m trying to send a message to Jossie.” 

“Oh,” he said, still looking confused, “the girl across the hall, the one who never learned the difference between inside and outside voices.” I had to smile at that. Julio had spent a lot less time with Jossie than I had, but he’s got ears. “What message are you trying to send her? ‘Gay is okay?’” 

I flicked him off with one hand and hitched my backpack over my other shoulder. “I’m trying to suggest that maybe she needs someone else to crush on,” I told him as I headed for the door. 

He laughed heartily at the thought, but then turned thoughtful. “Poor girl,” he said, following me to the door and talking to me as I walked down the hall. 

I turned around halfway to the stairs. “What do you mean, poor girl? I’m the poor gay guy with a girl hanging all over him.” 

Julio shook his head. “Ah, but when this is over, you’re not the one who’ll have the broken heart. I’ll see you later, Byron.” 

*** 

I’d made plans to have dinner with Paul in the big cafeteria, after my class was over but before Circle K started. We ate quickly, talking about the crappy action movie we’d seen at the student center that past weekend. We left the cafeteria, stomachs full, knowing we were going to be a little early for the meeting. Paul unlocked his bicycle from the bike rack and tossed the lock into his backpack. “Wish you had a bike,” he said, walking beside me down the path, pulling his bike alongside him. “I heard about this awesome bike path that goes around town. It’s supposed to be gorgeous.” 

“We could always walk it,” I suggested. I’d actually been planning to jog it one day. He made a face and I shrugged. “I have a bike back in Connecticut. I just forgot to pack it.” 

Paul and I walked quietly for a moment. “Your parents could bring it when they come down for parents’ weekend, unless they’re flying.” 

I shook my head. “They’re not coming. They’ve got four kids in college and four back home. They don’t have the time or the money to go to four different parents’ weekends…plus I can only imagine the type of messes my brother and sisters would make while they were gone.” 

Paul was thoughtful. “We have an extra bike up at my house no one rides,” he said. “When my parents come up, they could bring it. You could borrow it.” 

I was agog. “You’d really do that for me?” I asked. 

He appeared a little surprised at my surprise. “Of course. We’re buds, right? And what are friends for if they can’t help each other out?” 

_Buds_. I’d heard the word before, but it had never been directed at me. I was a friend, sure, but not a bud. That was the type of relationship had by typical guys, and as I said earlier, I’ve never been a typical guy. I was distracted for a minute by a scooter—the kind small children ride, powered by feet—that was sitting chained to a bike rack outside of one of the dorms. It had a ‘for sale’ sign, on it. I pointed at it. “Maybe I should forget the bike. I could ride around campus on a giant scooter.” 

Paul laughed. “Yeah, and look like a giant dork.” 

We were quiet for a moment again before I got up the nerve to ask him something. “So buds help each other out, right?” Paul nodded, watching me questioningly. “Do buds also tell each other things?” 

He seemed a little nervous. “Depends on what kinds of things.” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “Favorite colors, favorite movies, pet peeves. That sort of thing.” 

“Of course. By the way, that would be green, _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_ , and people who are nice to your face and nasty behind your back.” 

I thought about it for a moment. “Blue, _The Shawshank Redemption_ and people who leave water dripping in the dorm sinks.” 

Paul chuckled. “Anything else you want to know about me right at this moment?” He was locking his bike back up. 

“No…” I paused a little longer than I intended. That got his full attention, which I realized that I probably needed. “There is something _you_ should probably know about me, though. I have a boyfriend who lives in California.” 

“Oh, wow,” Paul said, although I couldn’t read his expression or judge his tone. He turned back to his bike, tugging on the lock just a few more times than necessary. I waited him out, because Adam had responded pretty similarly when I told him I was gay, and it had just been his way of processing. 

But Paul stayed silent. I wanted to go into a full blown panic, but I knew that wouldn’t help anything. I continued waiting. And watching. Without a word, Paul headed into the building, but he held the door open until I got hold of it instead of slamming it. He walked slightly ahead of me and didn’t stalk off or walk so far ahead of me that I couldn’t see him. Finally, we stood outside of the Circle K meeting room and he stopped, looking at me for the first time since I’d told him. “So. Your boyfriend?” 

I was more nervous now. “What about him?” 

“Favorite color, favorite movie and biggest pet peeve, of course.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Paul grinned at me, indicating he was kidding, but I answered anyway. “Black, _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_ and…” I took a pause. Jeff had a lot of pet peeves. “People who ask really stupid questions about something the teacher just went over five minutes ago.” 

Paul slung his bag down on the seat of one desk and I sat down at the next desk. “That’s one of mine, too.” He sat precariously on the edge of the desk itself and looked at me seriously. “Look, sorry it took me so long to think about that. You see, my church says homosexuality is wrong. But it also says only God can judge. It took me a minute to remember that part.” I nodded at him seriously. He was the first person I’d ever come across with that religious point of view to remember the second part at all. I wasn’t about to complain. “So,” Paul continued, “are we cool?” 

I smiled at him as I tucked some hair out of my eyes. “As long as you’re cool, I’m cool.” 

“And I will stay cool as long as you don’t…” he trailed off and I leaned in closer, waiting to find out what would cause him to freak out. Paul looked vaguely worried about trying to find the right words. “You know. Hit on me.” 

I tried to hide my smile. “Don’t worry. You’re not my type.” 

He didn’t hide his. “You have a type?” he asked slyly. 

“Yeah. Gay.” 

I’d only said I had a type to keep him from thinking I would hit on him. I’ve noticed that a lot of straight guys seem to have this fear at first. And while I might have a had a crush or two on a straight guy—you can’t help who you’re attracted to—I’d never make a move on someone I didn’t know was gay. It’s a lose-lose proposition: I’m not going to ‘convert’ him and he’s going to freak out. 

Paul, though, was intrigued with the inner workings of the ‘gay mind.’ “Ha ha,” he said in reference to my joke. “Seriously, though. What do you look for in a guy? He’d at the very least have to be very laid back.” 

‘Laid back’ would not be the first adjective I’d use to describe Jeff. Sure, he had his ‘whatever’ moments, but he was pretty hot headed and rebellious. He didn’t just let things happen around him; he was either part of them or he was out of there. “What makes you say that?” I asked Paul, genuinely curious. 

He looked a little uncomfortable. “I figured that would be the easiest way to deal with someone as…set in their ways…as you are.” 

I read between the lines of his phrasing. “Are you calling me uptight?” I asked him. Before he could answer, Alizah and Jossie came up and plopped down at the desks on either side of us. I turned to Alizah, who was sitting next to me. “Alizah,” I whined, giving my best Margo imitation to someone who’d never even met Margo, “Paul just called me uptight.” 

Jossie giggled but Alizah looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, you are kinda uptight,” she said. “I don’t know if it’s y’all or that’s just the way all Yankees are.” 

I stared at her. “Thanks, Alizah. I love you, too.” 

She dismissed my sarcasm with a wave of her hand. “It’s not necessarily an insult, Byron. It’s just a fact. Stop being so uptight and taking it as if we’ve just called you stinky or dumb or something.” Her last statement had Paul and Jossie practically rolling in the aisle, and I realized she was kinda right. I was being uptight about being called uptight. I smiled at them and shook my head, taking my seat before the meeting started. 

*** 

The next evening I met with my chemistry study group for a couple hours. I was all studied out and looking for a way to relax when I came down the hall to hear cheering coming from Jossie and Alizah’s room. I stood outside their open door to see Paul sitting on the couch with Alizah’s laptop on his lap, surrounded by the girls. “Boo-yah!” he shouted. “I kicked your asses again!” 

“Hey,” I said. All three of them looked up at me. “What are you all doing?” I had to be careful not to slur that ‘you all’ into a y’all. 

“You’re home!” Jossie shouted. “We came looking for you earlier, but Julio said you were out.” She jumped off the couch and grabbed my arm, pulling me, school bag and all, to join them. “We’re playing You Don’t Know Jack. Play with us!” 

Alizah turned toward me, scrutinizing my expression. “It’s a game for three players, Joss,” she said. I figured she was worried about the whole crush thing. And while she was right, I didn’t want to let my predicament prevent me from spending time from my friends. I honestly don’t know what she saw on my face. 

Paul didn’t seem to have noticed how grabby Jossie was or how reluctant Alizah seemed. “We can play on teams, two teams of two.” 

“Yeah!” Jossie still had my arm and she squeezed it toward her, hugging it. “Byron, play on my team. Please?” She smiled at me. 

That was when Paul seemed to catch on. He glanced at Alizah and they both turned to me. For my part, I was basically frozen again. I couldn’t decide how to respond so I just stood there, a deer in the headlights. After a moment, Alizah realized what was going on. “How about boys versus girls?” she suggested. 

Jossie pouted. “That’s not fair! They’re both nerds. Paul kept winning before, and Byron knows a lot of stuff. We’ll be left behind in the dust.” 

Paul and Alizah looked at each other again. “Well,” he said after a minute. “How about this? You and me, Joss, versus the other two. Let’s be honest here. You were way in third place, so you and me will even out. Byron’s an unknown entity, isn’t he? He could turn out to be totally lousy. Better to pair up with someone you know is totally awesome.” 

Jossie looked ready to pout, but Alizah jumped in first. “Byron, are you just going to stand there and let the man talk about you like that? Your honor is at stake here.” 

I breathed a sigh of relief. “That sounds fair. I don’t even know what kind of game this is; I’ve never heard of it before. I might end up being unbelievably bad.” 

I dropped my bag off in my room and came back in to the girls’ room. Jossie, her lower lip sticking out a bit, was back on her spot on the couch. The four of us struggled to find an arrangement where we could all see the laptop. Finally, we dragged a desk chair over and set the computer on top of it. Paul and I sat on the floor directly in front of it, and the girls sat behind us on the couch. 

We were about halfway through the first game, Alizah and I slightly in the lead, when Julio appeared in the doorway with the phone. “Byron? You have a phone call.” 

I climbed off the floor slowly; I’d been sitting on the hard floor in one position for too long. “Who is it?” I asked. 

“Jeff.” 

I grinned and grabbed the phone. “Hey, Jeff!” I said. “Can you hang on for a moment?” He answered in the affirmative and I turned to the girls and Paul. “I’ll probably be a while. Do you mind if I take a rain check on the game?” 

Alizah answered for the group. “No problem. We’ll play threes again. If you’re free before we’re done, we can try this again later.” 

I took my phone down the hallway to the community room…which no one ever uses. “Sorry about that,” I told Jeff. 

“No problem. I’ve just had such a day, I’m glad to hear your voice at all.” 

“Tell me all about it.” 

He’d gotten into a fight with his father and said some things he regretted. “I don’t know how to apologize to him without making it sound like I agree with his original point,” he said glumly. 

“How about,” I began, “I’m really sorry for some of the things I said to you, and that I got so heated. I still stand by my opinions, although I did not voice them well, and I hope you can respect me enough to forgive me.” 

Jeff thought that over for a second. “I think something like that would be perfect. How do you always know the exact right thing?” 

I didn’t want to tell him that it’s easier to solve someone else’s problems because there’s less emotion involved. I also didn’t want to admit to him that I was having a lousy time solving my own problems. “I have special magical talents?” I suggested to him. 

Jeff laughed for the first time since we’d gotten on the phone. “Oh, By,” he said. I smiled. There was nothing better than him just saying my name. “How have things been for you?” 

“Oh, you know. Same old shit, new day.” 

“What were you and your friends playing when I called?” he asked. 

“You Don’t Know Jack. It’s a computer trivia game set up like a game show. The questions require actual knowledge, but they’re set up so they sound dirty.” I chuckled a little bit. “I was playing on a team with Alizah. Jossie really wanted me on her team, but I didn’t think that was a good idea.” I never can keep secrets from Jeff for very long once I figure out what’s wrong. “She has a giant crush on me.” 

“Even though she knows you’re gay?” he asked in surprise. 

“Well…” I trailed off. 

He read what I didn’t say right away. “Oh, By, you haven’t told her? You need to tell her right away.” Jeff paused a moment. “I’ve been in the situation before when there’s a girl who likes you more than you like her and there’s no good way to deal with that. I can only imagine it’s much worse in your case.” 

In other words, because I was gay and not a bisexual who mostly favors girls, I was going to have an even harder time with things than Jeff had. “I’m just trying to find a nice way to deal with it.” 

“Sometimes, you can’t be nice and get what everyone needs.” 

“I'm beginning to figure that out.” I took a deep breath. “On a semi-related topic, do you think I’m uptight?” 

There was a brief pause before he laughed. “What?” 

“Paul and Alizah called me uptight. I want your take on that.” 

Jeff drew in a breath as he thought. The longer he thought, the more edgy I became. “No,” he said finally, “You’re not uptight. You’re…” The pause was longer this time. “What’s a nicer word for uptight?” 

I dropped into one of the dirty, understuffed chairs in the lounge—the kind that are easy to sit in but nearly impossible to get out of. “I see,” I said with a sigh. 

“Byroooooon,” he said, drawing the last syllable out. “I’m not trying to insult you. I just needed a moment to find the right words. You’re not uptight, but you can be very intense sometimes. You take everything very seriously. While that does mean that you have trouble relaxing or taking a joke, it’s also got a lot of upsides. You’re a very good friend because of it, because you care so much about everyone and their problems.” 

I listened to him carefully. He went on. “I think there are definitely times when you should relax and stop worrying about stuff. You know that. But I also love the fact that you worry about me all the time. I try harder in so many arenas because I want to give you fewer things to worry about.” 

“Jeff…” Even after several months together, I’m always surprised and awed when he says such nice things about me. 

“I know you’ll find the right way to deal with Jossie’s crush.” He paused for a moment and then said, “So what else is going on?” 

*** 

Meanwhile, back in the girls’ room, Jossie was being ornery. Alizah told me later about the conversation the three of them had. “He’d rather talk on the phone than play a game with us?” Joss whined. “Who is this Jeff, anyway?” 

Alizah answered as if everyone were on the same page. “Oh, you know Jeff. Byron talks about him all the time.” 

Paul nodded in recognition as he put the pieces together. “Jeff, out in California, right?” 

“Right.” 

Jossie narrowed her eyes at the two of them. “What do you two know that I don’t?” 

Paul looked over at Alizah again, but before she could answer, he grinned. “Well, according to your You Don’t Know Jack score, a whole lot.” 

That was an effective distraction. “You bastard,” she growled playfully. “Let’s try that game again. This time, I’ll whup your ass!” 

They were still playing about an hour later when I came back, still holding the phone. “Have a good talk?” Alizah asked, pausing the game. 

I leaned against the door frame. “The best. I always feel so much lighter when I get off the phone with Jeff.” 

Paul and Alizah smirked at each other and Jossie watched the two of them before turning to me, confusion etched on her face. “Jeff’s a really good friend of yours, huh?” she asked. 

I smiled lightly. “You can say that,” I said. I was ready to spill the beans after talking with Jeff, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. I opened my mouth and then closed it. I felt myself starting to blush and I just knew that I wasn’t going to speak up for myself after all. 

Alizah turned to Jossie. “Joss, Jeff is Byron’s boyfriend,” she announced, in a matter of fact but kind voice. 

Jossie’s mouth dropped open for a second, but then she cracked a grin. “Very funny, Lize.” I watched her expression some more as she turned from Alizah, who crossed her arms across her front, to Paul, who nodded seriously. The grin faded. “Byron?” she asked in a small voice—much quieter and slower than she normally spoke. 

I almost couldn’t look her in the eye. “Jeff and I have been together for almost six months.” 

“You have a boyfriend?” Jossie repeated. I nodded. She flopped down on the couch, not looking at me. “Wow,” she said even more quietly, “Lucky guy.” 

I found my voice and squatted down next to where she was sitting. Jossie turned further away from me, but I was determined. “Who?” I asked her. “Me or him?” That got her attention. “Look, Jossie, I haven’t been…out…very long and I’m still trying to find a balance between hiding and being ‘that gay guy.’” I could see Alizah, who was sitting a short distance away, crack a smile at that. “I don’t want to walk up to people and introduce myself with, ‘Hi, I’m Byron, and I’m gay,’ but I still haven’t figured out when to tell people.” 

Jossie was looking at me again with her green eyes that were serious for pretty much the first time in the month I’d known her. “I understand,” she said, still quiet, “But I don’t get why you told Paul and Alizah and not me.” 

I didn’t answer that directly. Instead, I turned to around. Paul was sitting on Alizah’s desk, backed out of the conversation as much as possible. “Paul,” I called, getting his attention. “When did I tell you about me being gay?” 

He answered seriously. “Yesterday.” 

“And you, Alizah?” 

She pursed her lips a second. “What, two weeks ago?” 

Jossie watched this conversation without expression. “It’s not that I didn’t tell you because I don’t care,” I told her finally. “You were the one whose response I worried about the most, because I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” 

She turned away again for a moment. “So you still want to hang out with me?” 

“Of course.” 

Jossie reached out and put a hand on my head before she turned back to me, looking and sounding more like her usual self. “Well, great! I’ll be your fag hag then!” She ruffled my hair, causing it to become staticky and stand on end. "Honestly, I should have seen this coming." 

"You should," Alizah agreed. "I've always told y'all you'll never find a straight guy willing to watch soap operas with you."

I had the feeling I should have been more insulted by that than I was. I looked over at Paul, who started laughing. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but there was one more thing I needed cleared up. “What is a fag hag?” I asked the room as a whole. 

“Really?” Jossie asked. “You don’t know what a fag hag is?” I shook my head. I’d heard the term before; it was one of Dan Reiber’s favorite insults for girls in high school. I’d just never quite figured out exactly what it meant. “Oh, Byron, you are such a failure as a gay guy. I’m going to have to teach you a thing or two.” 

“Well,” I said, almost not quite believing her positive attitude about the situation—but also not about to complain about it, “I have a lot to learn. And I’ll take all the help I can get.”


	3. Another Friday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow I never expected to be standing in front of a frat house on a Friday night. Ever.

To: ladiezman47  
From: byronp86  
Subject: you’ll never guess what I did this weekend  
Hey, Adam,  
How’s school? Met any interesting girls yet? I miss hearing all about your exploits, however involuntarily. You must be busy with classes and Greek life, since I haven’t heard from you much. Drop me a line and let me know how it’s going and I’ll tell you what I did this weekend that I never thought I’d do.  
Byron

By the last week of September, things had settled down into a routine. Classes, meetings, study groups, volunteer projects…I started to feel like I knew what to expect, which made me start to really feel at home.

But I guess certain other people didn’t feel the same way about the predictability. It was Friday, and I was hanging out with my friends in their room, same as we did just about every weekend before that. This time, however, we were all in sort of cranky moods. Jossie had gotten a bad grade on a test earlier in the week, which she had loudly explained to everyone in earshot during lunch on Wednesday. I’d gotten a phone call the night before that had made me irritable on and off throughout the day. As for Alizah? I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that it takes a lot to annoy her. 

“This is soooooo boring!” Jossie exclaimed as we sat on the couch together. Jossie had been playing with her hair and Alizah was actually knitting. I sat between the two of them with a paperback, having to watch elbows from either side. 

Alizah started another row and then leaned across me. I sucked in my gut (which is pretty well non-existent—I’m all skin and bones, as Jeff says) as she stuck her head in my personal space. “Y’all are usually the one to suggest something fun, if not quite sensible, to do,” she told Joss. 

Jossie pouted. “I’m all out of ideas,” she said. “And it’s not like either of you really listen to me anyway.” 

I tried to lighten the mood. “Did you just say something?” I asked. She glared at me. “Look, sitting around here being miserable just makes us more miserable. Why don’t we go out and do something?” 

“Yeah, but what?” Joss said. “I’m tired of all our regular stuff. I don’t want to watch TV. I don’t want to go to a movie at the student center, because they only get crap movies no one wants to watch.” She sighed melodramatically and threw herself over the side of the couch. “Byron, save me from myself. Find me something to do.” 

Alizah snorted. “Yeah, right. You’re going to ask the world’s most boring guy to help you find something to do. You’ll end up more bored.” 

I jumped off the couch. “Fine, then,” I muttered, stung. “The world’s most boring guy will go back to his own dorm room.” 

“Come back here,” Alizah ordered. I stopped in the doorway and turned around to look at her, but I didn’t head in her direction and I kept my hand on the doorknob. “What is bothering y’all today? You usually let it roll off your back when I say trash like that.” 

“It’s Christmas.” 

“Christmas?” Jossie repeated dubiously. “Last time I checked, it was about three months away. Why are you worried about it now?” 

“Actually,” I said, letting the knob go and leaning against the door with a sigh. “There are exactly three months and one day until Christmas. I’ve been counting down to Christmas all semester. More accurately, I’ve been counting down to winter break.” 

“Okay,” Alizah said, “That’s understandable. That’s the next time y’all get to head home, right?” She found a stopping point and put her knitting in her lap. “Feeling a little homesick, are you?” 

“No, not really.” I did have moments when I really missed home, but they were fleeting. They mostly revolved around having someone to cook _real_ food and the like. “It’s just that…well, everyone was supposed to be in Connecticut for the holiday.” 

“Everyone?” Alizah thought about that for a moment. “This is about Jeff, isn’t it?” 

I sagged and looked away from her. “He got a job he’d been really hoping he’d get, working for UPS in their warehouse. It pays really well and he’s working with a good friend of his.” I hadn’t met Jeff’s new friend Thomas, but I liked the man already. He’d helped Jeff develop better study habits and had pulled some strings to get him hired. “Problem is, it’s temporary. If he wants to keep the job, he has to prove he’s serious about it. And you know when UPS’s really busy time is.” 

“Christmas,” Jossie answered instantly. I nodded unhappily. “That sucks.” 

“You said it,” I said. “Now I don’t know when I’ll see him next.” I finally moved off the wall and grabbed a desk chair, rolling it over to the couch so I was facing them. “So, Alizah, you found out what bug crawled up my butt,” I said, using one of Haley’s favorite phrases. Just saying it made me feel a tiny bit better. “What’s eating _you_?”

“Yeah, Lize. Spill.” 

She furrowed her brow in a very uncharacteristic expression and crossed her arms in front of her chest. I wasn’t sure if she was being defensive, like I would be if I were making that gesture, or if she was trying to protect herself, the way Hay does. She sighed, knowing she wasn’t going to get out of explaining herself. “Paul’s out on a date,” she finally grumbled. 

Ah. Well, that explained everything. Paul and I had kind of developed our very own ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy when it came to our sex lives. I didn’t want to push him in his grudging acceptance of my love life, so I didn’t really talk about Jeff in front of him. In turn, he didn’t tell me about his love interests. I wasn’t sure if this was because he thought that made things fair and even or because he was afraid of grossing me out. Either way, I hadn’t known he had a date that evening. 

Paul had to know about Alizah’s feelings for him. She wasn’t exactly subtle most of the time. I had an inkling that him telling Alizah about his date was his way of giving her the hint about how he felt, and it seemed Jossie felt the same way. “The bastard,” she growled. 

Alizah waved off Jossie’s furor before she could really get rolling. “No, it’s okay, really. I’ll get over it eventually.” She blew air upward, making her bangs blow around the sides of her face. “I guess I always knew this was how it would go.” 

We were quiet for a moment before Alizah jumped off the couch. “Fuck this,” she said. “We’re not getting anything done sitting around here, feeling sorry for ourselves. Let’s go take a look at the bulletin board in the student center. There’s probably fifty things going on here on campus this evening, and we’re going to do one of them.” 

Neither Jossie nor I argued with that. Jossie grabbed a sweatshirt even though it was probably eighty degrees outside. Alizah put her knitting away. “What are you making there, anyway?” I asked her curiously. 

“I’m making myself a scarf. It gets cold around here sometimes in the winter, you know.” 

“Really?” I asked. I was wondering if I’d brought enough winter clothing. “How cold?” 

“Spends a lot of time in the forties and sometimes even goes even lower.” 

I chuckled. “Oh, ladies,” I told them, “You have no idea what a real winter is like.” 

*** 

The bulletin board in the student center has two parts. One is the official calendar, which lists the time, date and location of all ‘school sanctioned’ activities. You could look at that and find the time of the next Circle K meeting, or Greek authority, or student council or whatever interests you. 

The other side is much more interesting most of the time. It’s all the other stuff that’s going on. It’s where you’ll find fliers advertising frat parties and off campus events. Local businesses also routinely put up advertising there. That was the part of the board in front of which Alizah and Jossie stopped. “Oh, look,” Jossie cried, plucking at a paper with one hand. “Beta Delta Sigma is having a party tonight. Should we go?” Her tone was mocking, but I had the feeling she was completely serious. 

Alizah did, too. She looked thoughtful. “Well, it’s definitely something different,” she said. 

I cringed. Loud music, large crowds of people, claustrophobic settings and lots of alcohol were not my idea of a good time. “There’s something you should know about me,” I told the girls before they got really into the idea. 

“Something else?” Jossie cried. “Oh, good Lord, Byron, what else can you possibly need to tell us?” 

I ignored her. “I don’t drink,” I told Alizah, who was watching me seriously. 

She smiled a little. “Why am I not surprised?” she asked me rhetorically. 

Jossie became even more animated. “What, are you Baptist or something?” she asked. 

Alizah and I went on with our conversation as if Joss weren’t even there. “I just don’t see any point in it. It tastes nasty and then you say and do stuff that you shouldn’t.” 

Alizah watched me without expression. “I can’t argue with you when put it that way, can I?” she replied sarcastically. 

I sighed at her. “I like to have fun,” I told her, “but I want to remember my fun the next day.” 

“Look,” Alizah responded. “I totally get that. I don’t drink often, but there are just some times when you want to lose yourself completely and not find the pieces right away. Alcohol’s the easiest way to do that.” 

I looked at her carefully. She turned her head the other direction so I couldn’t read her as easily. She was taking this whole Paul-date-thing harder than I thought. “I’ve never wanted to lose any of my pieces,” was all I replied. 

Jossie broke up our almost-nonsensical conversation with a flourish. “Look, people, we can debate this all night, but that would be even more boring than sitting on our asses back in the dorm. So, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to close my eyes and run my hand all over this board. Whatever my hand is on when I open my eyes, that’s what we’re going to do. Got it?” 

She didn’t wait for an argument or agreement, just closed her eyes with one hand and dramatically drew frenetic circles all over the board. When she stopped, she actually ripped the flier off the board. “What’s hookah?” she asked. 

I planted my face in my palm. “Lord, save me from these fools,” I muttered under my breath, although I wasn’t sure whom I was referring to. Alizah gave me a look as I removed my hand from my face. “Hookah is…how do I explain this?” I thought out loud. “It’s a giant pipe used for smoking tobacco in a fancy way. But most of the people I’ve heard of who have used a hookah don’t put tobacco in it, if you know what I mean.” 

“Is that even legal?” Jossie asked, inspecting the paper. 

“I don’t know,” Alizah said. She sounded intrigued. “Gimme that thing.” Jossie handed over the sheet. “Darn. This place is across town and I’m pretty sure the busses will have quit for the night soon.” She handed the paper back to Jossie, who shrugged. “You should have gone home for dinner tonight so that we could have your car for the weekend.” 

Jossie’s father likes her to come home on Fridays for dinner. She usually gets picked up, eats with her dad and two younger brothers, and then drives her car back. You can park anywhere you want on campus on the weekend without getting a ticket, so usually a bunch of us cram into her car and go grocery shopping or do something fun for a while. She then returns to her house Sunday morning, goes to church, and her dad drops her back off. 

Joss tossed the hookah shop flier in the trash can. “Look, let’s just go check out this party,” she said. “It says it’s free to get in, but you can purchase a band if you’re twenty-one and want to drink. I’m betting they’re not so good at checking IDs, though.” She turned to me, seeing my cranky expression. “Oh, come on, Byron. Tell you what. We’ll all go over and check it out, and if you really hate it that much, we’ll leave.” 

I couldn’t really argue with that too much, even though I wanted to. The girls started walking and I followed a few steps behind them, wearing an expression of disbelief. Alizah noticed and the girls slowed down so they were flanking me. “This is not going to kill y’all,” she noted, hiding a smile. “It’s just a party. Y’all’ll meet some new people. You’ll hang out. Maybe even dance.” She linked her arm through mine and Jossie, not to be left out, did the same. “Y’all need to get out and live more.” 

In spite of myself, I smiled, remembering a talk I’d had with Hay once…or maybe more like dozens of times. “You know what’s funny? I’ve had this exact same conversation with my best friend back in Connecticut. Well, same minus all the y’alls.” 

Alizah scowled a little bit at the y’all comment, but Jossie laughed. “Sounds like a smart guy,” she said. 

“Girl,” I corrected. “Haley. You’d like her.” 

“Have you always hung out with girls?” Alizah asked me, still gripping my arm. 

“Pretty much ever since I hit puberty,” I replied, enjoying this conversation more than anything else we’d discussed that evening. “Although, I don’t know if me and Hay—just the two of us—really counts as me ‘hanging out with girls.’” 

We talked about our high school friends until we reached fraternity row. “Which one is Beta Delta Sigma?” Jossie asked, completely unnecessarily. One of the buildings was completely lit up, there were tons of people in the front yard, and the place was practically shaking with the music playing inside. Jossie and I stopped on the sidewalk, several houses away, just staring. “Whoa,” she said, aptly summarizing what I was feeling. 

Alizah had kept walking, and she didn’t stop as she turned over her shoulder. “C’mon, all y’all,” she called. “Let’s go see what college life is really all about!” 

Jossie and I didn’t move. She turned to me. “You were right,” she said. She wasn’t whispering by any means, but the whole scene was so noisy I barely heard her. “This is not like the parties Lize and I went to in high school. This is the type of party that gets the cops called on it. I don’t think this is a good idea.” 

“I agree,” I told her, but Alizah had already joined the line of people waiting to get in. We watched as she gestured to us, getting annoyed. “But she’s set on going in. We can’t just leave her here.” I couldn’t believe it, but I put my hand on Jossie’s back and pushed her gently until she started walking. The two of us joined Alizah in the line. 

Alizah was looking around at everyone, rubbing her hands, when we joined her. “What do you think is going on inside?” she asked. 

Jossie gave her an irritated look. “Stale, cheap beer in kegs, funnels, maybe some beer pong,” she said. “And if we’re really lucky, maybe some rohypnol.” 

I winced at the thought of that. Alizah didn’t notice the expression. “What’s the matter with you? You’re usually the first one to suggest doing something crazy,” she said to Joss. 

“Yeah, I am. So if I’m saying this is a bad idea, you know it’s got to be a monumentally bad idea.” 

Alizah made a face and turned away from the two of us, looking around. I spotted the couple just before she did. Even from the back, there was no mistaking him. After all, we’d hung out on a regular basis for more than a month. Paul had his arm around a girl I vaguely recognized. I’d seen the two of them talking before. He leaned in for a kiss and that’s when Alizah turned back around abruptly. “You know,” she said slowly, her eyes wide, “Maybe you two were right. Maybe we should go somewhere else.” 

Jossie hadn’t seen what we’d seen, but she breathed a sigh of relief. “You know,” she said, grabbing Alizah by the arm and pulling her out of line before she could change her mind, “I think Captain D’s is still open. You two hungry? My treat!” 

We strolled off, Alizah throwing a backwards glance toward Paul and the girl. I put one hand on her shoulder and smiled at her, acknowledging that we’d seen the same thing. She shrugged me off but smiled back, however faintly. “You know,” I said slowly, “I once overheard my sister talking about this game she and her friends used to play. They called it the How Far Have You Gone game. It’s like ‘Never Have I Ever’ only without the booze.” 

Just like I thought, I instantly had Jossie’s attention. “Is it about sex?” she asked. 

“Primarily, but you can go in any direction you want with it. The only rules are that you have to be completely honest. So if we were talking about drinking…”

I didn’t get to finish that thought. A police car pulled up beside us and an officer stepped out. “Did you all just come from the party?” he asked. 

Jossie’s mouth dropped open and she made a noise best described as a squeak. I looked at her, and then at Alizah, who seemed to be equally scared and rooted to the ground. I wasn’t sure why. None of us had done anything that we could get in trouble for. “Yes, officer,” I said. “We didn’t go inside though. The line was too long and the music too noisy. We were worried that it would get broken up.” 

The officer looked at me like he didn’t believe me. “Can I see identification from all of you?” he asked. 

I fished my driver’s license out of my wallet and the girls pulled theirs out of their purses. “Are you students here at Duke?” he asked. 

I nodded. “Freshmen.” I thought maybe pointing out our youth might work in our favor. 

He glanced briefly at Jossie and Alizah’s IDs before handing them back, but took longer inspecting mine. I started to get a bit paranoid until he said, “Never seen a Connecticut license before.” The cop handed it back and I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “Where are you three headed now?” 

“Captain D’s.” 

“Okay then, be on your way.” The girls practically took off running, but I didn’t want to look like a criminal, so I followed behind at a more sedate pace. 

We waited until he got back in the car and pulled up to the Beta Delta Alpha house before any of us spoke again. Jossie started giggling nervously, but Alizah looked at me sideways. “How did you learn how to talk to cops like that?” she asked. 

“What do you mean?” I asked her. “Police are just regular people…who have the authority to shoot you if you get out of hand.” 

Alizah laughed. “Why do I have the feeling this is something that is covered in the How Far Have You Gone game?” 

“I’ll tell you right now,” I said, waggling a finger at her, “That’s the farthest I ever got with a cop.” 

*** 

Paul called me the next morning. “Oh, man,” he said, “You would not believe the night I had last night. I got the nerve up to ask this girl out. We went out to dinner and then I ask her what she wants to do next. She mentions she’s friends with a bunch of Betas and that they’re having a get together. So we head over there, and the get together turns out to be a gigantic kegger with about five hundred people. And you’ll never guess what happened next.” 

“Hmmm.” I pretended to ponder that. “The party got busted by a couple cops from the city P.D.” 

“Right! How did you know that?” 

I laughed. I wasn’t going to tell him that we’d almost gotten caught up in that too. “Must be psychic.” 

“Yeah. Anyway, the cops pull up, and even though those of us on the front lawn aren’t doing anything wrong, we all just start running in all kinds of directions. I totally lost track of my date, and she ended up getting caught and grilled by the cops.” He sighed. “That was the end of that.” 

I was impressed that he was talking to me about his date at all. “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“Yeah, me too. What did you do last night?” 

“Oh, you know,” I began lazily. “Jossie and Alizah and I played a game.” 

“Oh, so another night of the same old, same old?” 

I laughed again. “I guess you could say that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks this time to my friends from the squirreliest Circle K ever, BUCKI: Elise, Erin, Tiffany and most especially Tim and Kyle, the Paul and Byron of Bradley, circa 2000-2003. Doo-da-da-doo-da-doo! Squirrel!
> 
>  
> 
> Coming next in _A Year Apart_ : October rolls around, and someone is spending more time partying than studying.


End file.
